Jokes of the day.

He said to me ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?   I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 I said...what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver     won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

  She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

    #1, you have to be single and 

    #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'. 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

 The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and

> I'm Jewish.'   The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a  Halloween party.'

 LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHEQUE!!!

Today be my baby girl 18th birthday.
I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment!
Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house,
and when she get here, I say, 'Baby girl,
I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face'

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face..

Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
'Now what yo momma say 'bout that?'

She say to tell you that 'you ain't my daddy' .
and watch the 'spression on yo face'!!!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large  corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with How much is two plus two? The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, Four.
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, How much is two plus two?Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, Four.
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, How much is two plus two? The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and finally whispered, How much do you want it to be?

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